Whether you’ve been considering joining a sorority as an undergrad, or you are looking back in nostalgia at those wonderful days in the Greek Letter mutual aid societies, you might be interested in hearing what one Delta Gamma’s sorority sister has to say to the University of Maryland chapter. The complete letter, which was offered first to Gawker by a tipster, is included for your perusal, offering perhaps some insight into the clever and analytical decimation of value these subtle societies offer their members; only an interspersed bit of commentary at the end of each paragraph will be included to clear up nuances in vernacular that might otherwise confuse the uninitiated reader:
The letter, addressed from one “Sister” (whose name we have replaced with “Grace”) to the entire chapter:
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
The email begins with a gentle warning that the tone of the letter might be a tad harsher than normally expected among the students.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Grace, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
Sigma Nu is a male fraternity. Sometimes such organizations couple up and support one another. Here, the sister is concerned her sisters represent the values of the sorority, by avoiding being “fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING.” While the use of all-capitalized letters might be reminiscent of high school texting practices, some commentators see this sister’s use of capitalized emphasis as reaching back to days of Greek-inspired rhetoric.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
This paragraph brings out the urgency the missive wishes to impart for instilling sorority and fraternity loyalty. The sisters were acting like “stupid cocks” (i.e. mindless male chickens) by mentioning a frat other than Sigma Nu. Also, the importance of preferring one’s sisters to her boyfriend, brother, or entire family is something the pensive emailer intends to impress upon her sisters.
“But Grace!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
The threat to “fucking cunt punt the next person” who disregards the austere values of the sorority sisters is again a rhetorical way of saying she will gently but sternly remind the sister of the necessity of appreciating sports and sportsmanship, and the importance of supporting one’s own team.
“Ohhh Grace, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
The use of apostrophe, or imagined dialogue, is another rhetorical device used to heighten the sense of social realism, or dialectic exchange, typical in the intellectual atmosphere of the sorority.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
Preferring 40 girls that are fun to “80 that are fucking faggots” is an elegant diatribe against a society that prefers quality to quantity. The need to block “goddamn cock block[s]” from the society is another formal apparatus of quality control among members.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.
The sister ends with a warm invitation for the sisters to be autonomous and require “no fucks to be given.” With the level and intensity of the discourse, we see this sister, nay the entire chapter, upholds the deepest respect for the sorts of values and traditions sororities and fraternities have upheld from the very start.