Now That I Have Lost My Major Endorsement Deals, I Think I Finally Understand Why Racism is Bad

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by Paula Deen

Oh my! I have to say, things have not been going very smoothly for myself and my chocolate-frosted, fat-filled, butter-battered cooking empire recently. Now that the media and public have discovered my stubborn hatred of the…wait I want to get this right…Native Afro-Americans? Is that it? Well, the point is, I have lost millions of dollars in endorsements and now I’d like to say that I am truly, deeply sorry for whatever exactly it was that made me lose those deals. Oh right, being a racist. I’m so sorry for that!

  

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I hope you understand that I was raised in an era that was very different from today. When I was a child growing up in the South, many of my role models were hate-mongering white supremacists. In fact, many of the wealthiest entrepreneurs in the country were explicit and vocal about their distaste for the lesser colors of skin. I thought if I followed their example, I could become rich as well, and you have to admit it worked for a dang while too! But all good things must come to an end, so that is why I realize now that being a mean-spirited racist in today’s society is just not a financially-wise decision.

That is why after 66 years of being downright nasty to people who look different from me, it occurred to me this past week that race is something folks cannot control. Just like some people are born without toes or hideously ugly, other people are born with inferior colors of skin! They can’t help it, and it isn’t nice to say horrible things to them because they probably feel pretty bad about it in the first place. I was economically-pressed to put myself in their shoes; and now I understand that if I was born a Mexican for example, I would feel so self-conscious about my laziness and foul smell that any ridicule on top of that would be…what’s the opposite of icing on the cake? I only put icing on my cakes. Well you get the idea.

So let me just say this: I want to find a little black boy and just give him a big ol’ smooch on the cheek! They do like being smooched, right? Just tell me what to do to save my empire and I promise I will do it. And the next time I have an urge to profess my stubborn attitudes toward people who look different from me, I’ll make sure those little weasels don’t let other people find out about it.

Note: Humorous Satire