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Following the recent arrest of Aaron Hernandez for homicide, officials in the CIA have announced that they are ready to classify the National Football League as an organization that actively supports domestic terrorism and places innocent lives at risk through their functioning.
“We’ve been debating this for a number of years, and now that it has come to light that Patriots Tight End Aaron Hernandez may have killed up to three people, we feel confident in our classification of the NFL as an institution that actively provides assistance to terrorists,” noted Randall Bergmann, a CIA spokesperson.
“We cannot ignore that many members of the NFL regularly engage in assault, rape, and yes even the murder of innocent civilians.”
Bergmann added that the NFL not only provides economic support to terrorists, but also that it provides training to members in unarmed combat while promoting aggressive behavior. This type of assistance is typical for terrorist organizations, and was crucial to the decision.
While many NFL players are violently furious at the decision, others have come forward to voice their support in hopes of discontinuing the institution of violence. Former Raiders quarterback Jamarcus Russell, gave us the following comment:
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“Uh, terrorism, is that right? Yeah, that’s why I left the NFL. Because they’re a bunch of terrorists. That’s exactly why I am not in the league anymore. Because of, um, terrorism.”
Former cornerback Pacman Jones, however, feels that the designation is grossly inappropriate. Appearing on ESPN’s Sportscenter, he argued that the NFL is a harmonious institution and called out the CIA for overstepping their authority.
“I have one message for the officials in the CIA who made this decision- I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you for that! Do you know what happened to the last person who called Pacman Jones a terrorist? You’ll find out when I kill you!”
NFL fans across the nation have voiced outrage at the decision, but CIA officials like Bergmann wish to convey that they are in no danger of losing their favorite pastime.
“Oh no, we’re just classifying them as a terrorist organization. We are required by law to do so based on the number of people NFL players have killed or injured. But I assure you that the NFL is far too important to this country to actually do anything about it. Besides, as a Cincinnati Bengals fan I would hate to destroy the league now that the team is finally turning it around.”
Note: This article is satirical and is not based on factual reporting.
