For a number of weeks, a weary and restless Edward Snowden has been seeking new ways to liven up his days while he waits for to receive asylum; and sources are now reporting that the famed leaker has now resorted to delivering comedy monologues to other travelers at the airport baggage claim.
“Yikes, this guy must be having a longer flight delay than I am,” he reportedly suggested as he pointed to a short Russian man who appeared in no mood to put up with such ridicule.
“Either that or he just got off the F494 from Guyana. Am I right or am I right?”
This is only Snowden’s latest venture to accompany his otherwise idle schedule. Last week he reportedly recreated several Georgia O’Keefe paintings using only relish and ketchup. And a manager from ‘Kroshka Kratoka’ (a fast food operation that specializes in potato dishes) has confirmed that he received a job application from Snowden on Monday. But for now, Snowden will be sticking to comedy to relieve his lethargy.
“Whoever said airline food is bad clearly hasn’t checked out the eating options near Gate 36E. I mean, honestly, they’re complaining about the smell all the way at Gate 43F!”
In an interview with a public radio show in Moscow on Friday, Snowden admitted that it is becoming more difficult to come up with interesting activities to placate his boredom.
“It’s tough in here. I blazed through my Netflix cue pretty early on, and you can only play Solitaire so many times before it loses its charm. Hmm..maybe next I’ll write some poetry. Or perhaps I’ll release all of the incredibly incriminating secret information I have on the US government. That might spice things up for a while.”
It certainly would. But for now, he continues to hope that live comedy will hold him over until he finds somewhere else to go. As he acknowledges in his routine, Russian intelligence continues to keep a careful eye on him to make sure he does not venture outside of the airport:
“In Russia, government spies on Edward Snowden! Get it, guys?”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect any real reporting.