In a press conference earlier today, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced his intention to create a new hall of fame that includes only players convicted of using illegal performance-enhancing drugs.
“There have been talks for years about whether players who used steroids should be included in the Hall of Fame. After deliberating with many prominent figures in baseball, we determined that since so many players used these drugs during the last 15-20 years, we should just create a different hall of fame for them.”
He noted that if there were only a few players, it would make sense to throw out their records and accomplishments. But since so many players used the drugs during this period the elite players’ accomplishments still are impressive considering the raised playing field.
“Think about this way- can we say Barry Bonds deserves the all-time home run record? Not for sure. But we can say that he did better than Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and the many other players who were also juicing up during their time. And since most of the pitchers were doing it as well, it seems fair to honor those who best utilized the drugs to succeed.”
Alex Rodriguez, who was found to be using steroids for a long stretch of his career, says the decision inspires him and others in his situation to continue to chase after all-time records.
“At first I thought all of my accomplishments would be discarded by history. But now that I know my records will still matter in some twisted capacity, I feel motivated to go out there and do the best I can.”
The Steroid Baseball Hall of Fame is scheduled to open in 2014, and will include a plaque with each player’s name and the specific drugs they used to achieve their stained glory.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect any real news story.