by Edward H. Bastion, President of Delta Airlines
Since the State Department warned Americans last week to take caution in their travels to the Middle East and North Africa due to the threat of a terrorist attack, I’ve been receiving a lot of questions and concerns. So I’d like to take the time now to provide some helpful tips to make sure your travels go smoothly or as smoothly as possible given a terrorist attack.
1. Your Tickets are Nonrefundable
Look, if we had to give people a refund every time we suspected a terrorist attack on an airplane, we wouldn’t be doing very well as a company. That’s not to say we don’t value our customers’ safety concerns, but quite frankly there’s a surprising number of pissed-off terrorists out there and we’re trying to run a business here. If you don’t feel comfortable flying right now, I can hardly blame you. But you will still have to pay for those tickets.
2. Don’t Bring a Weapon onto the Plane, Unless You Think You Could Sneak it Past Security and Use it to Stop a Terrorist Attack
On our website and around airports, we list items that security will not permit to be carried onto an airplane. Guns, knives, and other potentially dangerous materials will not be permitted onto any Delta flight. That is, of course, unless you can sneak it past security. Then I would advise bringing whatever you got. Because let’s face it, if there is a problem on a flight you won’t be able to do much with your headphones and travel-sized toothpaste.
3. Again, Those Tickets are Nonrefundable
I can’t stress this enough people. It may seem inhumane to tell people that they have to either use their tickets during the threat of a terrorist attack or buy new ones later, but that’s the angle we’re going with here. There are just too many flights, and the chances the terrorist will happen to be on yours is pretty small even during this period. So one last time- we’re not doing refunds. Got it?
4. Enjoy Your Flight!
From all of us at Delta, we hope you find your travels to be comfortable and free of any horrible tragedy. We know it takes guts to fly right now, so kudos to you! We’ll do our part to make sure everything goes alright, just keep an eye out for suspicious behavior and alert our staff if you see anything out of the ordinary. See you in the skies!
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the viewpoints of any real person.