A report compiled by the National Museum of Historical Records has revealed that societies in the world are still dealing with the same old problems they’ve been grappling with for hundreds of years.
“Our report confirms that humans are still intensely motivated by lust for power, sexual interests, racism, and other potentially harmful roots of action in their biology. As a result, we still see many of the same damn problems recur at an unrelenting pace,” says Dr. Reginald Williams, the study’s lead investigator.
Williams notes that war, sexual violence, and corruption are some of the biggest problems that continue to plague humanity despite the fact that everyone knows that they are bad and has witnessed their harmful effects in the media and history over and over again.
“You might think that having such a detailed record of history would show people how humans are susceptible to thinking a certain kind of way, and how these thought processes consistently lead to problems like rape and war. But it seems that most people are willing to forget all of that the instant they decide they would like some personal gratification.”
One example given by the report is the sexual infidelity of politicians. A team of historians calculated that despite media attention given to famous cases of infidelity in the past, the number of politicians engaging in deceitful or abusive sexual practices remains at an all-time high.
To accompany the report, scientists even created a study in which a local politician was placed in a room with an attractive intern. The study showed that a sexual advance was made 72% of the time, about on par with the national average of politicians. The study also found that when the politician was briefed prior to the study about what the scientists were looking for and what the study was about, that number only dipped to 71%.
“The results of the study are shocking, but consistent with history as we’ve seen it played out. You might think that a politician who has literally just been told that he/she is expected to make a move on an intern would prevent it from happening, but apparently it does not in a statistically significant way.”
Policymakers have reacted to the study with intrigue and surprise, with some calling for an overhaul in the way people think about social issues and approach policy change. But others, like United States Attorney General Eric Holder, find the results to be somewhat comforting.
“It’s almost nice to know that violence, corruption, and hatred are going to plague society no matter what we do to try and stop it. It’s kind of a relief because if there was something that could be done about it we would probably have to explore those options. For now we can just say that any person who contributes to these social ills is just doing what they were born to do.”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.