by Jason Smith, Chief Investigative Reporter
I have a shocking announcement to make. Over the past 3 months, I have taken on work at an Amazon Warehouse in Tuskoga, Mississippi in order to report on the dangerous and unjust conditions that plague these institutions. I am pleased to have survived this ordeal, and am ready to share my most shocking revelations to the world:
1. Mitch, The Floor Manager, is a Huge Jerk!
I had low expectations going into this job, but nothing could prepare me for that passive-aggressive loser Mitch Sampson. It’s one thing to have a boss that is constantly on your case, it’s another when that boss also doesn’t have the courage to ask you to do something directly. “Boy, this floor has seen cleaner days, huh?” “Do you think all of the boxes should be taped so poorly?” “If I were working for me I sure wouldn’t want to take such long lunch breaks.” Working with this man was a harrowing experience that I may never recover from.
2. No Attractive Coworkers
Any time I get myself into a new life situation, I am always curious to check out the people I’m around and see if I can land a hot date. Well let me tell you, the second I walked into Amazon Warehouse #44779D I knew I had no chance! I’ve never seen so many people of both sexes that I thought might be pregnant in one place. And everyone looked like they hadn’t slept in weeks. I almost felt myself getting uglier by just being around these people. I shudder just thinking about it.
3. Boring Responsibilities
Who would have thought working in a warehouse would require such menial, repetitive labor? There were very few opportunities to be creative in the way I packed and unpacked boxes, filled out documents, and swept the building. It was ok at first but got super boring after a few weeks.
4. Horrifying Atrocities
Aside from those downers, there was also the incredibly inhumane and unjustifiable things that took place everyday. Workers were constantly threatened to be fired and physically harassed, dangerous machinery was operated without safety precautions, and the upper management engaged in cult-like rituals involving sacrificial games and psychological torture of the underlings. These things obviously did nothing to lift my spirits in an otherwise horrible experience.
I hope the world learns from what I have brought back from my time, and changes can be made to ensure no one else has to suffer like I did. If Amazon would address just a few of the issues I have raised above, I am confident it would greatly improve the lives of the workers. Regardless, working at Amazon was a real disappointment and could potentially have been the worst summer of my life.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.