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In a shocking announcement earlier today, Prime Minister of Greenland Aleqa Hammond notified the nation’s citizens that the Greenland military will be sending troops into Syria after reviewing evidence of alleged use of chemical weapons.
“Greenland will not stand for the use of chemical weapons,” said Hammond to a group of reporters outside of the Parliament.
“We’re not gonna pussyfoot around this issue like these other nations are doing. President Assad, beware. Greenland is coming for you and we’re ready to kick some ass.”
The announcement was met with surprise and confusion from the nation’s people. The country does not have its own military, and command of operations of the Greenland Coast Guard was only transferred from Denmark’s authority in 2009. Nonetheless, Prime Minister Hammond believes the impact of Greenland’s intervention will be severe.
Her plan for attack includes an offensive in which 7 armed personnel will be sent into Damascus later this week. The troops will be instructed to enter Assad’s compound and kill him on sight. Greenland will not risk trying to capture the notorious dictator alive.
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“We know everyone will think this is a joke. I mean, what the hell is the Greenland Coast Guard going to accomplish in a conflict that has already claimed over 200,000 lives? Well, go ahead, mock us. We may be a small operation, but when Assad finds himself with a Greenlandic rifle down his throat, he won’t be laughing anymore. No one will be laughing at Greenland anymore.”
The reaction from the international community has been mixed. Russian President Vladmir Putin, who has condemned prospects for outside intervention in the conflict, admitted the decision was “Pretty badass”. US President Barack Obama responded to the news by trying to hold in a chuckle. He ultimately failed.
Daag Svenson, a Lieutenant in the Greenland Coast Guard, acknowledged that the decision was surprising but is confident that the group will remain committed to the commands of his country’s leadership.
“We have never performed a military exercise like this. Our biggest conflict came in 2007 when a Swedish cargo ship illegally entered our waters. We had to talk to the captain and ask him to turn around, which he politely refused to do.”
“We will use that experience as a precedent for this operation. Hopefully this one will end better for us.”
The operation will commence on Thursday morning, and officials hope that by the end of the day Assad will be dead and peace will have returned to the nation of Syria.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.
