by Mariano Rivera
Well, my Major League Baseball career is finally over. What a ride it’s been the last 20 years. After entering the league as a free agent from Panama back in 1990, I finally got my shot to play in 1995 and haven’t looked back since. Now I will likely go down as the best reserve pitcher to ever play the game.
When I look back on my career, with all the accomplishments and accolades I was able to achieve, one thing stands out from everything else: I wish I had been a deep sea explorer instead.
Now don’t get me wrong, being a pitcher in the MLB was pretty great. But there’s something about the ocean that just calls to me. The idea of being out in unchartered waters, exploring age-old myths and mysteries while drifting across the lonely sea, it just seems like the right career path for me.
The All-Star games, the World Series wins, yes they all mean a great deal to me. But there is no doubt in my mind that I would trade them away in a heartbeat for the chance to be a man of the water.
Each day I would have woken up at dawn, arisen from my cabin and taken a hearty whiff of salty air. Then I would have headed down to the kitchen to cook up some fresh fish for breakfast and know in my heart I am where I belong.
I imagine I could have had some great adventures with giant octopuses and dangerous pirates. I sure would love to look back on an experience in which my crew and I were held hostage by a brigade of Greenlandic ex-convicts, in which I would save the day by helping their leader overcome his irrational fear of sea turtles. What a proud moment that would have been!
I can see it now, sailing from port to port and meeting friends and lovers in coastal cities across the world. I would have women fall in love with my copper-toned muscles and surprisingly gentle caress, only to leave them time and time again for my first love: the sea.
In fact, after thinking about this a great deal I am ready to announce today that following my retirement from the Yankees, I will set out West on an expedition to discover the Lost City of Atlantis. With nothing but a small wooden ship and a ragtag crew of misfits, loners, and other retired baseball players, I will embark into the setting sun to find what adventures await me beyond the shore’s horizon.
To conclude, thank you to all who helped me achieve glory in baseball, and I am sorry I must leave you now. As Joe Torre once told me, “Baseball is a career, seek to find your true passion in life.” I am ready now, Joe. Goodbye, my friends, fans, and family. I will always love you, but I must leave now to discover my true destiny. When history looks back on the life of Mariano Rivera, perhaps my time in the MLB will be a side note in the fantastic tale of the greatest explorer to ever conquer the Pacific tides.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of any real persons.