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Each week, our team of NFL analysts will offer insight and analysis of the top NFL games of the weekend:
Vikings 34, Steelers 27
In this matchup of two teams that don’t have any striking similarities to introduce the recap with, Vikings QB Matt Cassel proved that he is so much more than Tom Brady’s former backup by starting as Christian Ponder’s backup. Cassel engaged in his usual style of play by texting Brady on every drop back to ask him which receiver is open. As per usual, Brady did not respond and Cassel was sacked 47 times during the process.
Seahawks 23, Texans 20
After being down by a wide margin at halftime, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll told the team they should just give up so they’re not too tired for practice on Monday. Fortunately for them, Texans coach Gary Kubiak told his team they should give up because the lead was too big for a comeback. In the end, it was the Seahawks players who disobeyed their coach’s orders and walked away with a win.
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Browns 17, Bengals 6
In the battle for dominance over the Ohio market, both of these teams went out of their way to make their fans miserable. The Browns, by giving Cleveland fans false hope that the team could be competitive this year, and the Bengals of course by losing to the Browns.
Colts 37, Jaguars 3
In this AFC South showdown, the Jaguars executed their game plan perfectly and as a result were able to score three points. New Colts running back Trent Richardson was effective after coaches told him he would be sent back to Cleveland if he didn’t perform well.
Chiefs 31, Giants 7
Eli Manning vowed to not throw any interceptions prior to the start of this game, and he delivered on his promise by only throwing one interception during the game. The Chiefs played without running back Jamaal Charles, who wanted to stay home and watch the news for updates on the impending government shutdown.
Broncos 52, Eagles 20
Broncos QB Peyton Manning threw 4 touchdowns and filmed 6 Directv commercials against a helpless Eagles defense. Philadelphia’s secondary was replaced in the third quarter by their tertiary for poor performance.
Bills 23, Ravens 20
As tradition mandates, the Baltimore Ravens were forced to vacate their position of 2012 Super Bowl champions after losing to the Bills in the following season. The rings and Vince Lombardi trophy will be returned to the NFL in a shaming ceremony that will occur during halftime of next week’s game.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.
