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Each week, our team of analysts and insiders will offer their expert insight onto the best football games of the weekend.
Miami, BYE
Coaches and players for the Dolphins spent their week off forgetting that one secret thing they had been doing to win so many games early in the season. Running back Daniel Thomas got a new hair cut, but none of the other players commented on it when they saw him afterwards.
Rams 38, Texans 13
In this matchup, the Rams were able to play better than the Texans and as a result were able to score more points and allow less points than their opponent. Former Rams RB Marshall Faulk said he would not comment on the game when we approached him at the grocery store about it.
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49rs 32, Cardinals 20
Carson Palmer is doing his best Kurt Warner impression for the Cardinals this year. Unfortunately for Arizona, Carson Palmer is not very skilled at doing impressions.
Packers 19, Ravens 17
Ravens tight end Dallas Clark prayed for his team to be victorious against the Super Bowl champs, and God responded by going on a winded rant about how he could not care less about the outcome of a football game. Clark was given rubella for his sinning and is probable for next week’s game at Pittsburgh.
Cowboys 31, Redskins 16
In this heated NFC East division rivalry game, both teams played poorly but relative to each other Dallas looked like a good team. With another win against a division opponent, the Cowboys are on their way to winning 7 or 8 games and losing in the first round of the playoffs.
Seahawks 20, Titans 13
In their pregame warmup, Seahawks players set NFL records for the loudest and rowdiest motivational huddle/yelling session in the league’s history. NFL Network will air a special on the event entitled “Let’s Go Out and *****ing Kill Those *****ing ******ers: The Huddle Heard Round the World”.
Patriots 30, Saints 27
We don’t want to spoil this one for you, but let’s just say that the Patriots were able to win by three with a touchdown in the last minute of the game.
Eagles 31, Buccaneers 20
Bucs head coach Greg Schiano went out and picked up Arby’s for all of his team’s players to eat before the game. The players said afterwards that while the gesture was nice, in retrospect it wasn’t very intelligent for the whole team to eat a slew of fast food before playing a football game.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting
