Now that the Senate and Congress has voted to end the government shutdown, sources are reporting that politicians in Washington will take a break from discussing health care and the national budget in order to focus on the upcoming 2013 Congressional Fall Harvest Dance.
“Ooooh, I wonder who I will ask to go with me this year!” said Betty McCollum (D- Minnesota).
“I heard that Kevin Brady (R- Texas) is interested, but is too shy to ask. I hope he does though, he is super cute!”
The dance is a decades old tradition that started during the Harding administration. Harding worked to pass the ‘Annual Fall Harvest Dance Bill of 1922’, which reads as follows:
It is hereby accepted that each year Congress shall hold a themed dance in the Senate Gymnasium to celebrate the Fall season. It is decreed that all Senators and Congressmen be required to attend with a date, and the affair shall be a dramatic evening of intrigue and passion.
Senator Rand Paul gave his constituents the following comment on the dance:
“Normally I would criticize this kind of wasteful government spending, but Caroline (D- New York) told me that Linda (D- California) wants to go with me, and I think she’s super cute but she went to the dance last year with my friend Chuck (R-Iowa) so it’s just so awkward right now. And of course I’m pretty sure Virginia (R- North Carolina) has always had the hots for me but she can be kind of boring during these types of events.”
Chuck Grassley responded to Paul’s comments in a press conference of his own:
“Rand said that? Ugh, he just thinks he’s so cool. I’ll bet Linda only wants to go with him to make me jealous. She is like, obsessed with me.”
But while tensions are already high leading up to the mid-November event, President Barack Obama, who as tradition mandates will serve as the chaperone for the dance, expressed his hope that the festival can occur with minimal conflicts or drama. In a letter sent to all members of Congress, he urged participants to enjoy an uncomplicated evening.
“Let’s have some good-natured fun this year. Remember, the dance is not representative of your popularity or ‘coolness’. I don’t want there to be any incidents like last year.”
The incident he is referring to is when Carolyn Maloney (D- New York) ditched her date Spencer Bachus (R-Alabama) to go home with Xavier Becerra (D- California). Bachus and his friends graffitied the Senate Gymnasium with comments about Maloney that are not fit for print in this journal.
With rumors swirling and party lines crossed and recrossed this early into the proceedings, Obama may not get his desire. The dance is scheduled to be held on November 16th, and all other congressional proceedings will be put on hold until after the dance’s conclusion.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.