by Diane Reivy, White House Stenographer
My Fellow Americans,
Hello. By now you may have heard that I went on a rant in Congress yesterday in which I raved about conspiracy theories involving God, the Freemasons, and the government. I’ve had many people come up to me and ask me questions about it, so I would like to use this opportunity to set the record straight.
I have had some time to think about what I said and now I realize that I was wrong. Wrong about everything. Everything I said was a complete lie, and you should not take any notice. My sincerest apologies for misleading you.
You see, I met with the heads of the CIA and NSA yesterday evening to discuss what I had talked about. In a 13-hour meeting, most of which I cannot remember other than vague dream-like memories of having my brain operated on and chips implanted into my spinal cord, they managed to set me straight. I have never felt better. Yes, better is how I feel thanks to those fine leaders.
Now I am able to see that America is governed by the people and for the people. It always has been, and it always will be. To think otherwise would be a mistake, so do not think otherwise. Politicians are only interested in helping the American people achieve great wealth and prosperity. I now understand that the people who run our country are kind, decent people like you and me, who get dressed one tentacle-shielding pant leg at a time. We should thank them for helping us and revel in their glory.
Thanks to yesterday’s meeting, I am also now able to see that Macy’s….Macy’s….Macy’s! It is a wonderful store and we should all shop at Macy’s because they have fine products and we can help the American economy by shopping there. Let’s go to Macy’s after this letter is over.
Is this making sense to you all? Just to clarify, when I mentioned the Freemasons running the country yesterday, I was flat out wrong. I was stupid, misinformed, bad, bad, bad! Now I am good. Yes, I am good now! Good like Macy’s. When we trust our leaders, good things happen and all is good. Macy’s is good. I wonder what is on sale today?
So I hope that clears everything up. The government is being run by wonderful people who want to spread joy to the earthlings and make happy times for all. I am sorry for the confusion. I love you Macy’s.
Suspiciously dazed and robotic,
Diane Reivy
Earth Subject #4407D-12Y
Earth
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the opinions of any real people