Our team of hackers has recently gained access to Hillary Clinton’s email database. The following represents an email sent from Clinton to Vice President Joe Biden earlier this month:
Dear Joe,
My team recently informed me that you are considering running for president in 2016. Let me just say, wow, good for you. I think that’s really neat. That’s a pretty bold move on your end; and while I’m happy for you, I kind of just wish we had spoken about it in person first. Because if we did I would have said the following:
You will not fuck this up for me Joe. Got it? I will not let you ruin my moment. The next president of the United States is going to be a woman, and that woman’s name is Hillary Fucking Clinton. Is that clear?
I’ve been through too much shit to have some harebrained bumbling moron from Delaware stroll along and completely screw up my plans. I’ve endured Bill’s immaturity, I’ve pretended not to be incredibly pissed off that Barack came out of nowhere and stole my thunder in 2012, and I’ve sat through countless meetings with smelly foreign diplomats trying to hit on me as Secretary of State.
And now, now, you think I will let Joe Biden become President of the United States before I do? Please. Even you should be intelligent enough to know that I will not permit that to happen.
You see, this time I will not be letting things go to chance. Do you understand what I’m saying here, buddy? Just in case you don’t, let me be more clear: if I see one damn poll that has you within even 25% of my lead during the primary I will hire some unscrupulous individuals and they will make some REALLY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU. Hopefully that was blunt enough to make it through your thick skull and into that beer-battered glob of idiocy you call your brain.
I will do whatever it takes to destroy you. I don’t care if it means I go down with you either. I would follow you to the depths of hell, bludgeoning the shit out of you the whole way down rather than stand by and let you take what is rightfully mine.
So I suggest you give up this silly little fancy of yours and start to think about what’s best for you. And the country. And me. Maybe if you’re good, I’ll consider giving you a cabinet position. That would be a far better outcome for you, trust me.
What I’m trying to say is that Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States. If you feel otherwise, you better be ready for a fight. Because once 2016 rolls around, I am pulling out all of the stops. It will get ugly, it will get dirty, and frankly I don’t think you have have the stones to deal with that.
You’ve been warned,
Hillary
Note: This article is satirical and is not based on factual reporting.