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According to sources close to the band, now that the Jonas Brothers have broken up they are ready to begin preparing for their reunion tour in 2034.
“We want to make sure when the time comes, the band is able to perform a kickass comeback,” said Felicity Amarnour, the band’s manager.
“Many acts don’t prepare properly, and when they return the result is awkward and financially ruinous. We want to make sure that by the year 2034 this band is adequately organized and ready to return to the popular music scene.”
Armanour says that following the planned breakup, the brothers will each embark on ambitious and tumultuous solo journeys, leading them back into each other’s good graces by the year 2033.
According to a representative from the Jonas family, Nick will soon embark on a solo career in which he plans to struggle to capture the glory of his former band. He hopes to achieve moderate success in the charts but fall into a drug habit around the year 2019. For the next decade he aims to be in and out of rehab until he finds Jesus in 2030 and recovers from his addiction.
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The same representative also said that Joe Jonas will undergo a sex change and begin acting in French films under the name ‘Jaqueileen du Fonte’. She expects to win awards for her performance in a steampunk remake of The Secret Garden in 2022, and shortly after retire to a villa with her lover writing poetry on her blog for the next decade.
Kevin Jonas said in an interview with his cat Rumples that he will find new bandmates and play in a Jonas Brothers Cover Band for the next few decades. According to Rumples, Kevin hopes he can play as Joe for the new band, and is eager to find a replacement for himself.
Armanour says that although there will be fighting between the band members along the way (culminating in Nick and Rumples conspiring to kill Kevin over a game of Jacks), each will be ready to make amends in the year 2033 when they realize it would make them a great deal of money.
According to the band’s Facebook page, tickets are available for 20 international tour dates beginning in April 2034, and can be purchased on the band’s website. Armanour cautions fans that they may want to book tickets early in the tour, as the band is planning for a stage fire in the late summer which will force Rumples to be replaced for the remaining shows due to severe burns.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting
