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According to a recent report from a team of physicists at Starbucks International University of Washington (Seoul Campus), billions of years of complex chemical reactions in space have led to a man on ABC’s ‘Shark Tank’ pitching Styrofoam shoes as a business.
“The Styrofoam footwear market is a 1.6 million dollar industry,” said the man whose existence is the culmination of eons and eons of high intensity galactic explosions.
“But where my competitors have failed is designing a Styrofoam shoe that can be worn on all occasions.”
The report detailed how in the early universe, only hydrogen and other basic elements existed. Over billions of years, reactions occurring under high heat and pressure led to the creation of new elements, the building blocks of life, and eventually, today’s taping of ‘Shark Tank’.
“According to our study, it took 4.7 billions years just to get to a point where this man’s eyelash could theoretically exist in spacetime,” said Dr. Owen Mort, a leader of the study.
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“The circumstances that produced this situation were of an incredibly unlikely magnitude. The chances of life existing in the first place are about 1 in 750 billion, but to get to a point where Mark Cuban, Daymond John, and other billionaires are being sought after for an investment in this company is essentially almost impossible.”
Nonetheless, according to the report, ‘Shark Tank’, its guests, and its hosts do indeed exist within the fabric of the universe.
“We looked at the data again and again, and there’s no denying it. Despite the incredible odds, it appears that the matter of the universe has changed over time to develop the ‘Shark Tank’ series,” said Mort.
Despite the incredible finding, it appears based on conversations occurring within the show that those involved are not aware of just how unlikely their situation is.
“I need a partner who can help me take this company to the next level,” said the man pitching the shoes, completely oblivious to all of those rare scenarios which played out perfectly in order for that single moment to take place.
“Invest with me, and together we will make sure every person in America owns a pair of Styrofoam shoes.”
At press time, sources are reporting that a meteor crashed into the Shark Tank taping, killing everyone involved in the show. ABC executives expect the episode to bring in a record viewing audience.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.
