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A shocking new study released out of Western State University reveals that modern technology is not having a profound effect on the way that Portland, Oregon baker Ellen Newsome engages with her friends, family, and in general the world around her.
“We have determined through advanced testing that the internet and social media are not revolutionizing the way this woman receives information or provides it to others,” said social psychologist Dr. Jamel Bateman.
“Based on our data, we are relatively certain that the instantaneous communication of millions of people across the globe will not change the way this woman interacts with the world forever.”
Bateman says the results of the study shocked researchers across the globe. He says that the finding violates the ‘Progress Principle’ – a scientific theory about technology and humanity. The theory states that the rise of social media has overhauled the way civilization works and has had a substantial effect on the lives of all of earth’s citizens. It further proposes that the way humans connect with each other will never be the same.
“Incredibly, this one woman seems impervious to the principle. We may have to reevaluate the notion…and it may force us to take caution in the future when we go on exaggerated lectures about how social media buzzwords are affecting people.”
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Newsome could not be reached for comment as her land line was busy when we called, but a coworker of hers confirms that Newsome’s life hasn’t been irreversibly altered by modern advances in technology.
“I don’t think she owns a smartphone,” said James WIlliams, her boss, in an exclusive interview with JDJournal.
“She isn’t the quickest to respond to email, but for our profession that is ok,” he said.
Ellen’s friends say that from what they have seen, social media has not affected the way she understands or forms opinions about pop culture events the second they happen.
“I remember when everyone was Tweeting about Miley Cyrus at the VMAs, she was watching it live as it was happening,” said Hugo Osterman, a long time companion of Ellen’s.
“She had no idea what people had to say about it until I read some Tweets out loud to her. I wonder how she knew what to think when she was watching it?”
At press time, sources confirmed that Newsome did not update her Instagram to tell people about the study because she does not have an Instagram.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.
