The roll-out of the government’s Healthcare.gov website has been problematic to say the least, but after a month of work from the IT team, and countless hours of Barack Obama pacing frantically around the Oval Office muttering curses to himself, the site appears to have made significant progress over the past weekend. Here we provide some of the most important fixes from the latest overhaul:
1. Virus Issues
-Perhaps the biggest improvement of the website is that when customers visit the link, a virus is no longer downloaded to their computer, deleting all of their files and making the machine unusable even with advanced tech repair. Officials say that customers will only receive “smaller, less destructive” viruses from visiting the site now.
2. Identity Theft
– One of the pressing concerns with the old site was that when an individual uploaded their personal information, that data was sent to a hacking team in St. Petersburg, Russia who used it to withdraw funds from users’ bank accounts. Now, that leak has been patched up, so customers need only worry about all of the hackers in the world.
3. Bar on Bottom-Right of Screen Color
– The IT team made it a priority to change the color of a small rectangle in the bottom corner of the site that serves no functional purpose whatsoever. The color was changed from mauve to light mauve.
4. Random Medical Information
– On the previous Healthcare.gov website, customers were instructed to enter detailed information about doctors, medical conditions, and prescribed medications. This data was then sent to a primary hub in Washington, where it was deleted and replaced with entirely fictitious data for the customers. Officials say those who got lucky and scored some great medications from this error will get to keep them.
5. Distasteful Advertisements
– Those who visit the Healthcare.gov will no longer be bombarded with advertisements and spam from pornography websites. All new advertisements will be for Senate and House democrats who are up for reelection next term.
6. Printing
– Customers will be relieved to discover that most printing errors have been corrected. Previously, when one went to print a page from the website, a photo of Obama dressed as Satan was printed instead. Officials said this was a result of a cyber attack, and have traced the attack to the location of John Boehner’s government-issued laptop.
Note: This post is satirical and not based on actual news