To the Consumers of America,
Ok, look. We need to be honest. We’ve tried hundreds of marketing campaigns to get Peppermint Jack’s Hard Candies to the public. We’ve poured thousands of dollars into media advertising and publicity stunts. And it doesn’t seem to be working.
So now, because we are out of options, we must try one last ditch effort to make this business successful:
Please.
Pretty please, could you buy some Peppermint Jack’s Hard Candies?
It would be so incredibly helpful. You have no idea. If people would just buy some of our candies so many of our problems would go away. The massive debt, the pressure from investors, the tons of inventory sitting in a warehouse in Kentucky…these issues would just disappear if folks would just buy these damn things!
You see, we at Peppermint Jack’s haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in over 9 months. Every night, we toss and turn, unable to get a moment of peace when considering all the ramifications we will have to deal with when this company completely flops and we all go broke. Some of us convinced family members to invest in this thing. Others put their kids’ college funds into it. You can see the problem here.
So if you could, please, please, just buy some. You don’t have to eat them if you don’t want to. It’s fine. Just buy it and throw it away. What do we care? We’re not trying to prove anything here, not anymore at least. We just need money. That’s it.
In fact, if there’s something else we can do for your money let us know. Maybe one of our employees could call you on the phone and have a friendly conversation with you for five dollars? Would that interest you?
Brian in accounting is pretty good at guitar…maybe he could write a song for you for 20 dollars? A unique song, written just for you! Please email Brian at Brian.Jennings@peppermintjacks.com if that sounds like something that would interest you.
Well we’re running of space and we spent our last nickel to put this column on the website. So one last time, we ask you to please give us some money. There are about 20 of us over here who are all really, really screwed if this thing tanks. Any amount would be helpful.
Thank you,
Peppermint Jack’s Hard Candy Company
1001 Happy Candy Way
Milwaukee, WI 50422
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect the true opinions of this fictional company.