The New York Jets have just announced the signing of Michael Vick to be their new starting quarterback, and while humans across the city are excited for the team’s prospects, the many dogs who reside in the Big Apple have vocalized their own opinions on the signing of the controversial star player.
“Bark! Bark bark! Ruff, rrrrrrrrr, ruff!,” said Hal, a Scottish Terrier who lives on the West Side with an Italian couple and a struggling stand up comedian.
“Arf arf! [Panting noises] ruff!” he said.
Hal’s aggressive tone comes as no surprise, considering Vick’s off-the-field issues. In 2007, Vick was found guilty of funding and maintaining a dogfighting ring in one of his homes. Though he has apologized for his actions since, and worked to promote animal safety in the United States, some have not forgiven him for his past crimes.
In polls among dogs across the United States, results could not be analyzed as no one knew what the dogs were saying.
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While dogs like Hal have had loud words to say about the new addition, others have had more muted responses. Mincy, a stray doberman who resides in the Bronx, had softer vocalizations when discussing her opinion on the new Jets quarterback.
“[Whine]. [Whine]. [Wags tail],” she said in an exclusive interview with JD Journal.
“[Whine],” she added.
Mincy’s words speak volumes about the state of dogs and the NFL. But humans who work within the NFL say the opinions of this species will have little impact on the game of football. Al Jenkins, who works as a ticket handler at Metlife Stadium (home stadium of the Jets), says dogs do not make up a big enough part of the NFL consumer market to influence team decision-making.
“We don’t get many dogs buying tickets to NFL games. Maybe a few. But not much”, he said in a phone conversation with JD Journal.
“So while they may be upset, or they may not be, because I don’t understand what they’re saying, they really do not have much leverage with the Jets front office,” he said.
Rex Ryan, head coach of the Jets, addressed the dogs of New York to placate their concerns and validate the signing of the new star player.
“Bark bark bark ruff ruff awooooooooooo!” he said.
It remains to be seen whether dogs who are Jets fans will find his words comforting.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.