Officials from the Australian search team for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 convened today to announce that while the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 remains elusive, authorities did recover a functional and stylish screen door in the ocean today.
“We regret to inform the public that the objects floating in the ocean were not debris from the missing Air Malaysia plane, but in fact a screen door and a bag of Doritos” said Captain Hugo Wallace of the Australian Air Force.
“That said, we are happy to announce that the screen door was in excellent condition. While the Doritos were soggy by the time we rescued them, the door is in fantastic condition and could be retrofitted to many modern homes,” he said.
Lieutenant Lee Owns of the Australia National Guard says that today’s findings give his team hope that their long hours of searching are yielding results, even if they are not the results they were hoping for.
“It’s nice to know our search hasn’t been completely fruitless. Sure, we haven’t found what we were looking for. But it’s a fine screen door. A damn fine door,” he said.
“The paint has hardly chipped, and there is only a small hole in the screen. It’s pretty amazing when you think this thing has been floating in the middle of the ocean for who knows how long.”
Australian officials say they do not know yet what they will do with the door, but this stands in contrast to a statement from the Malaysian government in which they stated their claim to ownership of the door.
“Because the door was found in the search area of MF 370, we believe it fell from the airplane and thus is property of the country of Malaysia,” the statement read.
“We refute any claim of ownership of the door from the Australians or any other country imposing on our search. As much as we are sure they would love to keep the door, we are confident it will be returned to its proper home in Malaysia.”
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While the door’s nationality is yet to be determined, that hasn’t stopped activists and passive observers from posting poorly-formed opinions on social media.
“THE FAMILIES OF TEH VICTIMS DESRVE TO KEEP THE SCREEN DOOR”, said @jamelwilliams234 on Twitter.
“IF I WERE OJN FLIGHT 370 I WOULD WANT MY FAMILY TO GET TO KEEP THE DOOR”, he added.
Dr. Reginald Cornelius Young, Professor of Door and Window Studies at the University of Toll Brothers (Altoona Campus), says determining the nationality of the door will be a difficult process.
“To determine where the door came from would take a series of advanced color and material testing,” he said.
“Unless it just says where the door came from on it. Most doors do have that…so…yeah that would be a good first option.”
But officials from both the Australian and Malaysian search teams seem reluctant to give up control of the door. Both have announced they will call off their search for MF 370 until the issue is resolved.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.