Today, a study released from Western University of Easton contends that the battle to combat climate change is not worth fighting as it is too late already to save the earth from certain destruction and we are all going to die in a fiery hell.
“This study was an update from the survey we completed in 2009 on emissions and the state of the environment. Back then, we cautioned that if the people of the world did not take extreme, immediate steps to resolve the crisis, we would not be able to survive it,” said Dr. Leeland Smith, the lead investigator of the most recent study.
“This new study confirmed the results of the previous one…since we didn’t take action we are all going to die. So…yikes,” he added.
While previous studies by Dr. Smith and his colleagues contained suggested steps to resolve the crisis, this 2014 update contains only a crudely drawn picture of the earth in flames with skulls and red ‘X’s surrounding it.
Dr. Owen Wayans, who also participated in the study, said the results are validation that everyone was wrong and he was right.
“Ya’ll laughed at me. I was telling you jerks back in 1980 that we were screwed if we didn’t act fast. Instead, you did just the opposite. So now I will laugh at you as we all head to our certain doom at the hands of the poison we’ve released into the atmosphere,” he said maniacally.
“Hahahahaha!” he added.
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World leaders have responded to the new study with a mixture of skepticism, doubt, and just a hint of genuine concern. Following the release of the study, President Barack Obama took the podium to quell the concerns of citizens.
“We as a nation are working hard to combat climate change, and are taking the necessary steps to resolve this issue in a timely and appropriate manner,” he said with a spark of fear present in the back of his eyes.
“I read the entire report, and I…oh geez…uh…I know we will beat this thing,” he said with noticeable resignation in his voice.
Vladimir Putin responded to the claims of the study in a press conference of his own.
“Yes, this seems about right. When I rule the world, this will definitely be near the top of my agenda,” he said.
While world leaders scramble to find solutions to the daunting problem, Wayans says they are just wasting their precious last moments on earth.
“It’s over. Humanity is still arguing about whether or not this thing exists, but we can’t even stop it anymore. Now is the time to sit back, pour yourself a drink, and hug your loved ones as the earth is consumed by poisonous flames,” he said.
“It’s gonna be one heck of a ride.”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.