20 of the Funniest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court

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The courtroom is not always the quietest and most civilized place. And attorneys are not always the smartest people. One thing is sure; court reporters have heard just about everything. 

Charles M. Sevilla, Criminal Defense Lawyer, has released a book of court records called Disorder in the Court, the most hilarious exchanges from justice halls between plaintiffs and defendants, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges.

These blunders are just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. 

  

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1.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

2.

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3.

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

4.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

5.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

6.

Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region

7.

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?

Witness: I could see his head.

Lawyer: And where was his head?

Witness: Just above his shoulders.

8.

Lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

Witness: The victim lived.

9.

Lawyer: She had three children, right?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Lawyer: Were there any girls?

10.

Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man —

Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.

11.

 Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Witness: No.

12.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

Lawyer: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan!

13.

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?

Witness: July 18th.

Lawyer: What year?

Witness: Every year.

14.

Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: Forty-five years.

15.

Lawyer:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Witness:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

16.

Lawyer:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

17.

Lawyer:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Getting laid

18.

Lawyer:   Can you describe the individual?

Witness:  He was about medium height and had a beard

Lawyer:  Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

19.

Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?

20.

Lawyer: Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.