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Following a meeting between NFL executives, Redskins owner Dan Snyder, and members of various Native American tribes, the NFL announced today that Washington’s team will now be named the ‘Bumbling Chinamen’ to appease parties involved in the dispute.
“After long hours of negotiating, we were able to come up with a name that everyone in the room was comfortable with,” said Jay Sherman, a legal representative for the NFL.
“I was hoping that one would be the winner, and I think Dan is happy with the results as well. This was a win-win for the NFL and Native Americans across the United States.”
Oota Dabin, a member of the Algonquian tribe, says the name is more respectful and she appreciates that the NFL took the lead among professional sporting organizations to replace the offensive team name.
“I am glad this organization will no longer cause racial conflict that our tribe will have to be involved in,” she said to a group of reporters after the meeting.
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“The Alonquians have never had a reason to root for an NFL team before. Now, I am happy to say that in 2014 we will all be cheering for the Bumblers to take home the championship of this ridiculous sport.”
A key point of disagreement in the negotiations was whether an Iroquois softball team in neighboring Bethesda, Maryland would change their team from “The Greedy White Devils From Hell”. The Iroquois refused to budge, and after negotiating through the night the NFL gave up the issue.
“The Greedy Whites are a proud Iroquois tradition, and this was one issue we would not compromise on,” said Sports Medicine Chief Awanada.
“I’m happy we were able to come to an agreement regardless. We simply have too much pride in the long, successful history of the team to change it now.”
Reaction to the announcement from fans has been mixed. Some have accepted the change as a sign of the times, while others find it difficult to swallow after spending their lives rooting for the Redskins.
“It’s just kind of confusing. All of my life I have had my emotional well being tied to the performance of this team that happened to promote ignorance about a specific race of people. Now, suddenly I’m supposed to promote ignorance against a difference race of people? It seems like a lot to ask,” said Mason Sanders, a Redskins fans since the 1950s.
Nevertheless, he says he has invested too much money into parking passes at the stadium in Washington to forsake the team now.
“I’ll go ahead and support the Bumbling Chinamen. But this time the hatred feels a little forced.”
The Redskins will announce the new name in a ceremony later today, in which they will unveil the new mascot – a Chinese railroad worker with buck teeth accidentally striking his thumb with a hammer.
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting
