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Earlier today, major media outlets came forward to reveal that over the past few months, several reporters have been in contact with senior advisors at the National Security Agency (NSA). These trusted sources had given them permission to publish leaked information from the private life of Edward Snowden. The source says the NSA decided to provide the information to the public in order to retaliate for the latest series of leaks coming from Snowden in Russia.
According to sources within these media groups, senior editors met for several hours to discuss whether or not to release the leaks, and ultimately determined that that most profitable thing to do would be to release them.
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The documents include family photos of Snowden (including yearbooks dating back to second grade), entries from his personal diary, and pictures of him in the shower. The documents were leaked earlier this morning.
Following their release, Gerald Ingram, a senior official at the NSA, spoke publicly to defend his decision to release the information.
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“How do you like that, Snowden!” he said in a press conference in Washington.
“How does it feel when everyone finds out embarrassing secrets about you? Do you still feel like a hero now that everyone knows you haven’t called your mother in four years? Or that you eat at Pizza Hut twice a week?”
A bewildered Snowden responded to the leaks in an interview with Russian state-run radio station KGB3 soon after the documents were published.
“To the people who did this, don’t you realize that the fact that you have my personal information is exactly what I am protesting in the first place?” he said on the program.
“How do you guys not get this?”
Following Snowden’s remarks, Ingram issued another press conference to combat the accusations, professing his belief that Snowden feels threatened and insecure.
“He’s nervous, I can tell. He knows if we want to, we can make a call to a certain diner in Hawaii, and tell a certain waitress there about his online girlfriend,” he said.
“Mr. Snowden needs to understand that actions have consequences. When you tell the world about a massive international spying program, people are going to find out you shopped for toe fungus products last year.”
“To be frank, you started it, Snowden. But two can play at this game. Now it’s your move.”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.
