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Sources at Springfield Investment Funds are reporting that area businessman Jonathan Welcher has earned a promotion to manager, allowing him to finally fulfill his dream of being that evil, uncaring boss who regularly chews out his underlings.
“Martin, get in here!” he called to intern Martin Jeffries earlier today, trying to conceal a smile as he waved the young legal assistant into his office.
“So Martin…I looked in my inbox this morning and noticed that the clerk in the Rodney file never received those documents I asked you to send over,” he said in a slow, tortuously passive-aggressive tone.
“WHY THE HELL WEREN’T THE REPORTS FILED YESTERDAY WHEN I ASKED YOU TO DO IT?! YOU ARE COMPLETELY INEPT, AND I SHOULD FIRE YOU RIGHT NOW ON THE SPOT!!!” he called out loud enough for the entire office to hear through his closed door.
“But because I am such a nice guy, maybe I will let you work this Saturday and Sunday to see if you can learn some GOD DAMN RESPONSIBILITY. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!”
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Welcher says he first began to dream of being such a villainous office character after seeing stereotypes of nasty bosses in films and tv as a child.
“Growing up, I loved movies where someone had some uptight boss who was always causing problems for his employees,” he said in an exclusive interview with JDJournal.
“I used to watch and think to myself…yeah, that’s the guy I want to be when I grow up. The guy sitting in his leather chair making his secretary work on Valentine’s Day so he misses his chance to reunite with his fiance who is about to leave on a plane for Paris,” he said.
”If I can prevent magical moments like that by being the most uncaring boss I can be, I know I will have achieved my life goals.”
Office accountant Sara Charles says although Welcher just assumed the position last week, the impact is already being felt around the workplace.
“Only a few hours after he was promoted, he brought me into his office and screamed at me for dropping one of his phone calls last month,” she said.
“I went home that night and just cried and cried, nearly choking on my tears and resisting the urge to call and quit my job right then and there. He made me feel horrible, so I hope that snivelling jerk is happy about that.”
If his smirk upon hearing the news is any indication, he certainly is.
“Sara said that? Oh, that is just perfect! Exactly what I hoped would come from that meeting,” he said when briefed on her comments.
“And the fact that she told you that just gives me another reason to yell at her today. Thanks, guys. Sara! Hey, Sara, can I talk to you for a minute? Now, please Sara?”
Note: This article is satirical and does not reflect factual reporting.
