Dear Lester

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Each week, our advice columnist responds to a number of inquiries to help ordinary folks deal with extraordinary problems. Here is the latest from ‘Dear Lester’:

Dear Lester,

  

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I am angry all of the time. Sometimes I think I am really going to hurt someone one day. I just can’t control this boiling rage inside of me. Please help me before it is too late and I make a big mistake…

Enraged and afraid,

Jeb from Denver

Dear Jeb,

Jeb? Seriously? What kind of name is that? No wonder you’re angry all of the time, you must have been bullied relentlessly as a kid. Hahaha, Jeb, wow. Really really dumb name.

I mean, if there was a kid named ‘Jeb’ in my grade school class I would have beaten the shit out of him every day for no reason at all but the fact that I was offended by such a stupid first name. And I wouldn’t have felt bad about it because I’m certain no one with a ridiculous name like ‘Jeb’ could ever amount to anything worthwhile in life. Ever.

Jeb, I’m guessing you’re an ugly prick with a big fat face based on that name of yours. Hearing it makes me want to find out where you live and punch you right in the mouth. You goddamn moron.

Aggressively,
Lester

Dear Lester,

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 10 years, and I love my wife dearly. But a new accountant started at our office recently and she is definitely into me. She might be the most beautiful woman I have ever met! I want to remain faithful, but I’m worried one day I will be tempted and cheat. What should I do?

Confused in love,

Bob in Seattle

Dear Bob,

Wow, that is quite a pickle. I can see that you do care about your wife, but it can be very difficult to avoid temptation in a situation like that.

I couldn’t figure this one out on my own, so I Googled your email address and realized you are Bob Neufield who lives at 1231 Western Ave in Seattle. I called your house and your wife picked up, and we had a chat that was very helpful.

Basically, we decided that you are an asshole who doesn’t deserve the love she’s been giving you for the last 10 years. We agreed that you should go off with your pretty new assistant and never come back, since your wife and kids don’t want to see you anymore because you are a selfish jerk.

I’m glad your wife picked up, I wouldn’t have been able to figure this one out on my own! Hope it works out!

Encouragingly,

Lester

Dear Lester,

The last year has been incredibly difficult for me. My husband left me after 20 years because he said I wasn’t pretty enough anymore. My kids are out of control and don’t respect me. I have no money and my landlord says if I don’t pay my rent by next week he will kick me out. I have nowhere to go…my family all died in a freak boating accident and it’s very difficult for me to find help because I am paralyzed from the neck down. I also have severe bipolar disorder.

I can’t control my anxiety…I am so scared and don’t know what to do.

On the edge,

Janice in Fremont

Dear Janice,

Sounds like you are feeling very bad. Are you sure you’re not just hungry? Sometimes when I am feeling down, I realize I just haven’t eaten in a while. After a snack, I usually feel 1000% better! You may find a granola bar is all you need to get back on your feet!

Confidently,

Lester