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Summary: We have compiled a list of the seven best responses to lawyers’ legal threats in this post for your enjoyment.
Lawyers cannot open up and say exactly what they are thinking, or what their clients are thinking, when they handle cases. But, every now and then, a lawyer will be brutally honest when responding to a threat for legal action. When this happens, you are left with epic responses that are quite enjoyable. We have compiled a list of the top seven best responses to legal threats made by lawyers representing their clients. We hope you enjoy them.
Groucho Marx and Casablanca
Casablanca was released in 1942 by Warner Brothers. It starred Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart. Four years later, The Marx Brothers planned to release A Night in Casablanca. Warner Brothers wanted the Marx Brothers to change the name of the movie, so Groucho wrote a letter to Warner Brothers that is one of the best responses to threatened legal action out there. Here is a snippet of the letter:
Dear Warner Brothers,
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Apparently there is more than one way of conquering a city and holding it as your own. For example, up to the time that we contemplated making this picture, I had no idea that the city of Casablanca belonged exclusively to Warner Brothers. However, it was only a few days after our announcement appeared that we received your long, ominous legal document warning us not to use the name Casablanca. […]
I just don’t understand your attitude. Even if you plan on releasing your picture, I am sure that the average movie fan could learn in time to distinguish between Ingrid Bergman and Harpo. I don’t know whether I could, but I certainly would like to try. […]
I have a hunch that his attempt to prevent us from using the title is the brainchild of some ferret-faced shyster, serving a brief apprenticeship in your legal department. I know the type well—hot out of law school, hungry for success, and too ambitious to follow the natural laws of promotion. This bar sinister probably needled your attorneys, most of whom are fine fellows with curly black hair, double-breasted suits, etc., into attempting to enjoin us. Well, he won’t get away with it! We’ll fight him to the highest court! No pasty-faced legal adventurer is going to cause bad blood between the Warners and the Marxes. We are all brothers under the skin, and we’ll remain friends till the last reel of “A Night in Casablanca” goes tumbling over the spool.
Jack Daniels Cease & Desist Letter
Jack Daniels sent a cease & desist letter to Patrick Wesink regarding the cover for his book Broken Piano for President. Here is a snippet from the letter sent by Jack Daniels:
In order to resolve this matter, because you are both a Louisville “neighbor” and a fan of the brand, we simply request that you change the cover design when the book is re-printed. If you would be willing to change the design sooner than that (including the digital version), we would be willing to contribute a reasonable amount towards the cost of doing so.
Starbucks and the ‘Frappicino’
A brewery from Missouri, called Exit 6 Brewery, received a cease & desist letter from Starbucks because it called one of it stout beers Frappicino. In the response to the Starbucks letter, Exit 6 Brewer declined to use the word Frappucino. Instead, the brewery referred to it as the ‘f-word’ throughout its response. The brewery even sent Starbucks a check for $6 for the profits made on the stout beer. The letter told Starbucks to apply the check to the company’s legal fees.
The Flying Porn Star
Janice Griffith is a porn star who agreed to be thrown off a roof, naked, and into a pool as part of a Hustler photo shoot. The man who threw her, Dan Bilzerian, missed the pool completely and Griffith broke her foot. She decided to sue Bilzerian for $85,000 because she missed work. Here is a snippet of the response from Bilzerian’s lawyer, Tom Goldstein:
In all events, she agreed. Very few people I know would make that choice. But there it is. And chronologically, she’s an adult competent to make it. Hustler and your client asked Mr. Bilzerian to be the thrower, and we can all agree that was the better end of the deal. So like your client, the facts of the claim won’t, quite, fly. The tape shows the two carefully practicing this flight of fancy under Hustler’s direction, and your client expressly agreeing to go ahead. In legal limbo, she assumed the risk.
Netflix vs Verizon
Netflix and Verizon have been fighting for some time about their services. Netflix has blamed Verizon for slow download times, and even names the company in error messages that clients see when videos do not load. Verizon sent a cease & desist letter, which Netflix responded with the following:
“As an ISP, you sell your customers a connection to the Internet,” Netflix wrote late Monday in its formal response. “To try to shift blame to us for performance issues arising from interconnection congestion is like blaming drivers on a bridge for traffic jams when you’re the one who decided to leave three lanes closed during rush hour.” […]
“We brought the data to your doorstep,” Netflix wrote. “All you had to do was open your door.”
West Orange Township vs Jake Freivald
Jake Freivald, a child, ran for West Orange Township council, but lost. After his loss he created a website about the township with links to plenty of information. The attorney for the city sent Freivald a cease & desist letter that he should stop using the city’s name on the website, which has a .info address. Freivald’s attorney, Stephen B. Kaplitt, wrote an incredible response to the township attorney. He listed 14 other websites that used the township’s name in the address and said the following:
Nonetheless, to further allay my client’s concerns, will you kindly forward to me copies of the prank cease and desist letters you have no doubt also sent to the owners of the following domains.
Stephen Kaplitt: Cease and Desist Response Letter
ThinkGeek vs The National Pork Board
On April Fool’s Day in 2010, ThinkGeek created a fake product called Unicorn Meat. ThinkGeek used the slogan “the new white meat” for the product. This caused The National Pork Board to hire a law firm to send a 12-page letter to ThinkGeek about their product infringing on the slogan “the other white meat.”
ThinkGeek responded with the following:
“It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misquide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn,” said Scott Kauffman, President and CEO of Geeknet. “In fact, ThinkGeek’s canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity.”
To take the prank to a new level, ThinkGeek now sells canned unicorn meat on their website. That’s right; you can buy canned unicorn meat. Do not worry, no real unicorns were hurt in the process though since it is a dismembered plush unicorn stuffed into an empty can. So far, no word on if The National Pork Board has gone after ThinkGeek for this added product yet.
Image credit: Lawyerist
